Stop paying me compliments. Please.

Here’s a very short recording and below is a summary:

What is it about a compliment that sends my blood pressure soaring?

Here’s what it feels like:

  • Out of my mind
  • Outer body experience
  • Watching myself choking on your compliments
  • I feel physically sick when you compliment me

So please. Just don’t do it.


Here’s the flip side:

  • If you don’t compliment me then I think I’m no good at all
  • I feed on compliments and need the adoring masses

(I know all that stuff about intrinsic validation need to approve of ourselves and not look outwards constantly. I tell people this in my seminars and cognitively I so know it’s true.)


But let’s get back to being complimented. I think it relates to an earlier post about the imposter syndrome. The scripts that run like this

  • I don’t deserve it
  • If only you knew the truth
  • You’ll find me out you’ll find me out some time


Oh here are some good ones……

  • I haven’t done anything special
  • I’ve just done my job


So what can I do about it?

I’m going to practise, practise, practise ….

So the next time I get a compliment I’m going to smile and just say thank you. Then I’m going to say to my little me:

…”see you deserved that. It’s a real achievement. Well done you!”

What do you think about compliments? How have you learned to accept them? Have you always accepted them?



PS the photo is of my beloved black and white border collie Tikka when she appreciated the company of a perfect stranger.

13 Comments Add yours

  1. bethanyk says:

    Someone told me I was beautiful last night. I was in a very old tank top, myhusband’s old shorts, no make up, hair puffed out from my shower and my frizz. And I just kind of stared at her. Finally I said thank you. She saw something I don’t but hope one day to be able to. I know my heart is beautiful but my outside, I have a lot to work on. Thanks for writing!


  2. codemanbc says:

    I will always be the person I am…with or without compliments.


    1. Thank you and that’s something I aspire to!


  3. amommasview says:

    I’m just finishing writing a post inspired by your comment about feeling guilty (which you left on my SAHM and working moms post). Your post here fits in the things I’m saying there so well. I will link to it. Fantastic! I totally get what you are saying and boy, do I struggle with compliments. I have learned over the last years to own it. To accept compliments, to accept that I do things right. Thanks to my husband. He is truly lifting me higher. I have never realized how much damage the psycho games of my mother have actually done to me. I’ve never seen her as a toxic person, always thought she put herself last. Over the last 5 years it slowly dawned to me that it was never the case. It was always about her. There’s a lot to still discover, a lot to still solve but I’ve came a long way. And I will not stop here.


  4. I hate hate hate compliments. They make me squirm. Stop noticing me please…but wait…do you see me?? I know the struggle. I hate being the center of attention. I don’t want to be noticed. Being noticed means being available to be hurt. I don’t want to be hurt anymore.

    But I know I can’t continue to live in this mindset. I have practiced like you saying thank you. I am so much better at accepting them, however, I’m still numb to their effects. I wish they could make me feel good. But instead I remain neutral. I can’t celebrate myself. I haven’t learned how to do that yet. I don’t know the deep reason why yet.


  5. Paper Doll says:

    Compliments are really challenging for me to accept especially when I deme undeserving but like you said I also thrive on them!


    1. Thanks… there’s a bit of a theme developing here. I think we need to set ourselves some sort of compliments challenge…

      Liked by 1 person

  6. dbest1ishere says:

    Compliments make me uncomfortable I don’t like them at all.


    1. Thanks for your comment. Do you find it easier to compliment other people?


  7. Marcus says:

    like you said – need them, won’t accept them.


    1. Hi Marcus. Just wondering if you’ve ever made an effort to accept them. Or (like me. til now!) do you just get into the habit of “not hearing them”


      1. Marcus says:

        I have tried accepting them – doesn’t work well. Not that I don’t hear them I don’t think – more I’m just an expert at ignoring them or discounting them.


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