The trouble with Abuse …What does the Public really hear?

Once again, the public has heard about Childhood Sexual Abuse—this time in Northern Ireland in facilities run by the state, local authorities, the Catholic Church, the Church of Ireland and the children’s charity Barnardo’s. More disclosures, more justifiable anger, regrets, unreserved apologies and frustration—and I have no doubt that these responses are sincere. There was a similar response to revelations from Footballers about Clubs in England. On 16th November 2016 Andy Woodward, a former Crewe, Bury and Sheffield United bravely told the Guardian he was sexually abused as a youth player. Since that date, we know that at least 98 clubs have been impacted, 21 Police Forces are involved in investigation. And sadly, hundreds of adults have come forward to speak up about their suffering. Like the recent Northern Ireland Enquiry, we have all heard all of this. But in truth, what are we really hearing?

Whatever we have heard about these and other scandals has been filtered through the lens of our own experience, prejudices, motivations, as well as the trends in culture and today’s attitudes. This can be confusing for those of us who are Survivors of childhood sexual abuse: I’m sure I’m not alone in my experience of confusing personal reactions to the Football Club revelations. This thought has lead me to take a closer look at my own response, in the hope that I could shed some light onto the messages that the Public may be hearing.

 

When I first heard Andy Woodward speak out I had an extraordinary reaction. Jealousy. Jealous that he was being heard, jealous that he could speak. Jealous that he had an audience to hear; and jealous that audience appeared outraged. But I found this emotion unsettling, so I paused to think about what I might really be feeling— “jealousy” didn’t feel right at all. I rummaged around in the experience of my abused self and discovered that the actual emotion was Envy. And furthermore, I wasn’t envious of Andy Woodward—how could I be envious of a fellow Survivor’s plight? No: I was envious, quite simply, of being heard.

When Andy spoke out, I wonder if the significance of his bravery and breaking the Silence was recognised by the Public. I wonder if those who have not experienced childhood sexual abuse are aware of the enormity of lugging around this filthy burden of a secret down the decades throughout adult life. I ask myself too if the public understands the relief of being heard, finally. Being heard is in stark contrast to the Silence Andy will have endured over the years. Will the Public understand that abuse happens in Silence. Abusers groom their victims then threaten them if they break the Silence. And my personal experience was that my mother, the first person to whom I revealed the childhood sexual abuse greeted me with Silence.

And now the Silence is shattered. Or is it? does the Public still collude to maintain Silence? Have people made appropriate noises of indignation and shuffled off to get on with their lives? Do people feel they’ve done their bit?

I do hope that Andy and the other men who have come forward have adequate support, care and attention. I do hope this is also the case for Survivors from those institutions in Northern Ireland.  I wonder if Andy’s personal message is still heard above our sound and fury about Authorities? For me, my revelation became a drama played out between the authority figures of my parents—my father protesting his innocence while dramatically flinging his clothes downstairs and into the car. My Mother clinging to the bonnet begging him to stay. Me? I just had a bit part in the drama—the real distress and dramatic intrigue belonged to the “Authorities”.  I sincerely hope that Andy, and others who have Survived these very public revelations,  is not experiencing a similar feeling.

Without doubt, when Andy spoke out, the spotlight moved swiftly to other dramatis personae. In this case, The FA, the Paedophiles, the Schools, the Police. The media is now telling us that we should be outraged because the Authorities ignored the warning signs. It is quite right to call Authorities to task and to ask questions about who knew what, and when. But we must remember that we are hearing about behaviour that took place in the 1980’s and 1990’s. This is “historic” abuse and we’re assessing the roles of the people who should have protected young people within a framework of 21st Century knowledge and culture. This is quite confusing for Survivors (even the necessity for the term “historic abuse” is questionable. Although we need to protect the reputation of organisations whose culture has changed, the term can mess with our minds and it plays neatly into our tendency to minimize our experience.)

My personal tendency to minimize the childhood sexual abuse began with the Silence of family members and minimization was aided and abetted by attitudes in the 1980s. Remember Cleveland? Even the Department of Health requested that all the files of the 121 children removed from their homes in 1987 be destroyed—it was such a scandal that no one in authority wanted to get near to the truth. Collectively we were unable to allow this inconvenient truth, the enormity of the scandal, so they blamed the Doctors and returned all the children to their homes. Then there was the Group called PIE (Paedophile Information Exchange). It was a group of men who openly campaigned for adults to have sex with young children. The Group wanted the age of consent to be axed—they claimed that children had a right to sexuality; and they were invited to speak at University Campuses throughout the UK under the banner of Young Liberals. They even expressed dismay when they could not garner support from the Guardian newspaper, which was a Liberal newspaper. So, is there any wonder that the Public puts Childhood sexual abuse on the “all too difficult pile” if a Survivor like myself finds it hard to find a social context for the crime?

That was Then. However, we really have moved forwards—though much remains to be done. I’m sure that a group like PIE could not survive so openly as it did 40 years ago. The national response to Jimmy Savile and to the current revelations in professional and amateur football are testament to this. So, I do hope that Andy feels he’s not been forgotten while the spotlight sweeps over the other actors in this national drama. Yes of course there will always be those who, like my mother, would say “Why now? Why bring it up now,” which is a subtle method of Victim Blaming and perpetuating the Silence. But despite this, I hope that Andy continues to draw upon his undoubted courage to continue his work to help other Survivors and to seek justice. I have no idea what form this justice might take but I do admire his quest.

To return to my original question—what has the Public heard? I cannot be certain. But when I listened to Andy Woodward I heard a brave voice; and I saw a beacon for everyone who wants to help Survivors. I wish him every success. Like Andy I am drawn to help people to reach their full potential. Much of my day involves helping people to return to work or find work; and whenever I work with Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse I feel humbled and greatly privileged to bear witness to their stories and to walk alongside them, if only for a little way.  My challenge is to continue that work, without becoming jaded or cynical. My challenge is to help one person at a time and to ensure that the needs of Survivors are not lost in the rumpus over failings on the part of institutions.

Serena Bradshaw

Serena is a Consultant Tutor at Goddards, an employability specialist and National Speaker. She also happens to be a Survivor of Childhood Sexual Abuse. www.goddardconsultants.com. serenabradshaw@goddardconsultants.com

 

12 Comments Add yours

  1. La Quemada says:

    Thanks for writing this. Envying him being heard makes perfect sense. People who already have public attention are more likely to be heard–which they can use to help call attention to the problem, fantastic, but also means people who aren’t so famous don’t get much of an audience for their story. Their most likely audience is their family, people who are sometimes not willing or able to hear it.

    Your comments on the shift in public attention to holding someone accountable are thought-provoking. I hadn’t thought about that much before. What is the impact on the person telling the story? Is that what Andy need, cries to punish someone? Or would survivors benefit more from attention to what they need now to heal–such as decent health insurance that allows them to get psychological or psychiatric support? Benefits if they are disabled by their depression or other long-term impacts? More education to family members about what the long-term impact can be? (which is the answer to the “why bring it up now? question: because the damage continues to affect me).

    Like

    1. That’ very thoughtful and insightful. Yes: getting what we need now is so important. There needs to be equal attention paid to the needs of Survivors. Maybe we should talk more about the cost to Society. Perhaps that would make people sit up and think as well. The Why Now question is so dis-abling isn’t it. Invalidating. Just like the expression “Historic abuse” which somehow at a stroke of the pen suggests “long, long ago and nothing to worry about now…”

      Liked by 1 person

  2. enterfuntech says:

    It’s worth reading

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Laura Black says:

    I’ve been struggling with the same questions. I often feel as though maybe non-survivors aren’t really that outraged, and I’m just affected because it happened to me too. A lot of the time, I feel like sexual abuse is, as you say, an inconvenient truth that the majority of people would rather ignore if they can. That’s not to say people aren’t compassionate, it’s just they don’t want to hear about such horrible things. It’s too unpleasant for them to see the reality of what happens behind closed doors all around them. I think that’s often why the focus shifts to blaming and holding authorities to account – rather than victims and their experiences. It’s an easy fix to forget the victim and go after the perpetrator. Thanks for the thought provoking post. Laura x

    Liked by 2 people

  4. bethanyk says:

    Your post really helped me btw. I was trying to process my family’s response to a letter I wrote and this really helped me a lot. I wrote a blog post and did reference you in the end for inspiring me but I didn’t know how to attach your blog so i just put your name. I am sooooo not savvy with blogging and computers!!! The blog post is titled A reply from a childmolester. Anyway. Thank you for being an inspiration to my healing!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. bethanyk says:

    This is brilliantly written and I share your feelings 100%. To just be heard. To feel outrage by others who hear your story. Something I never felt. I really can relate and I am so glad you shared your feelings about this.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Bonsai says:

    Great transparency on jealousy/envy you felt. I know exactly what you mean from other contexts. Unknown victims tell their stories everyday, but few really listen. What is so sad about child sexual abuse, and incest in particular, is that when the abuse is happening the child is brain washed into thinking they can’t tell or their world will be turned even more upside down than it already is. Then as adults there is the embarrassment and shame. We must keep talking, keep writing and stop the silence.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. I’ve written a book about my experiences with childhood abuse and the one thing I hear, over and over again, is “HOW BRAVE” I am to speak out.

    It drives me nuts.

    I know folks mean it as a compliment but I want to scream. I didn’t feel brave in telling my story – I felt compelled to tell my story to as many people as possible. I had no choice except to tell my story. Telling was a NECESSARY next step on my journey toward healing. Again, I had no choice – I had to tell

    For nearly fifty years I had kept the secrets and memories of my abuse hidden within me for so long that my silence became a prison. I am a survivor of the Shadowlands, and today I’m finally free. I have begun the healing process. All the energy I had consumed keeping the secrets locked within me is now available to help myself heal.

    My book is available for download or preview at:

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Thanks for stopping by. I agree the concept of bravery means different things to different Survivors. Interesting too that you felt a compulsion… We must all express ourselves so that Survivors do not become one “amorphous blob” in the public psyche.

      Liked by 2 people

  8. Paper Doll says:

    Wow this was brilliant. Some very good questions are asked. It takes so much courage to use a voice that has been silenced.

    Liked by 3 people

  9. Finding your voice in this is so hard. It only takes one negative experience to silence it again. I now this from my own experience.

    Liked by 2 people

I invite you to share your views

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s