Sunshine and grief

Hello friends

Thank you for stopping by. This post is a real muddle and comes with a request.

Tell me: What do you do when sunshine and grief get all muddled up?

The paragraph below summarises my audio. I prefer the audio because I speak from the heart and without a script—but I guess you should be the judge of that!

Lately, I’ve been hanging on by an increasingly fragile thread of hope. It’s something about the way our bodies serve up nasty sensations and our minds wander into dangerous territory. All without our permission. I must know, surely, from experience, that this too will pass.

And all the while the sun shines outside my window, heralding Spring and fresh life.

So please tell me

How do you manage the sunshine and the grief?
Should we distract ourselves?
Should we block out the pain?
Or should we let the tears flow?

 

17 Comments Add yours

  1. bethanyk says:

    Hi there! How have you been. Just wanted to check in.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Bethany thank you. I’ve been in a dark place but I think I’m moving on. xxx

      Like

      1. bethanyk says:

        Know that I have been thinking of you! Praying that dark place is far behind sooner than later.

        Like

  2. I do not know what to say, for I was young when I had sex with a relative and yes I not sure but I think it felt good.

    Again not sure.

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    1. Hi and thanks for stopping by. You sound unsure of your past circumstances; and obviously I don’t know your age. However if you know that your relative has access to young people I advise that you take steps to protect them. This doesn’t mean you have to intervene yourself. But there will be organisations who can do this.
      I thought hard before approving your comment and have done so in order that you are able a) to protect others and b) protect yourself. Having said this my blog and comments are purely my own opinion and are no substitute for the correct professional advice.
      Do take care

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  3. Oh Serena, I can hear and feel your pain, so similar to my tendency to beat myself for my feelings often stuffing them. And why not? Being ‘attacked’ traumatically as a little child with no to come to my aid, no one to talk to, even being silenced, I learned at 8 I was alone. No child should suffer traumas with no intervention, help or support. How horrific is that? Hit by a car, fall from a tree breaking an arm, whatever, and aid comes from everybody. No one comes to the aid of a sexually abused child, the trauma and injury as significant maybe more so in many, many ways. No no comes because no one wants others to know what someone in the family has done to the child.
    So we learn to stuff. There is much to stuff, so much grief. Mine comes in bits and pieces when allowed to because I still tend to ‘stuff’ it and try to do what so many do-gooders declare; be positive, be happy, blah blah blah.
    Well how about allowing grief to rise even as the sunrise captures my breath? Because often when feeling deep gratitude for what I have and the beauty around me, tears stream down my face from the beauty but also the grief and real pain.
    Down at the creek this often happens and also while meditating. And I don’t always know why. But when my edgy nervous system relaxes feelings arise. It is as it should be. Feelings up and out.
    There is much to grieve. For me it will be grieved in bits and pieces throughout my life. We can rebel those that pressure one to be happy, be positive, be this, that, or the other. We can instead allow ourselves the space to be whatever we are at that moment—Those that say such things have not been traumatized as children or have know injury that deep.
    Having to suffer so much in silence for so long adding to the general climate now where the subject is not talked about easily makes full expression of the agony a lengthy process with as many timetables as there are survivors. For me? That quiet sadness might always be there alongside the joy of nature, pets and the people I love.
    My opinion for you is the same as what I have to keep reminding myself, it’s OK to cry, permission granted… Not only is it OK, but healthy and healing. Tears are salty just like the saline solution used to flush out wounds to help them heal. The longer a wound is open and gaping, or covered up before cleansing thoroughly, (like a child who has suffered such things that were covered up for years even decades) the harder and longer it may take to heal. Cleansing is crucial to healing.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Dear Patricia. Thank you. It’s such a comfort to know that it’s the same for you. Grief coming in bits and pieces is so apt; and somehow the acceptance (or simply, the knowledge) that it will keep arriving throughout our lives makes it more bearable for me. Grief rising even as the sun captures your breath is a beautiful image.

      You’ve got me to thinking that maybe I need to trust my body rather than fear it. Doing constant battle with my body is what I do… and maybe that too will be part of my the healing.

      Love Serena xx

      Liked by 2 people

      1. “trust my body rather than fear it,”…I like that!
        “not doing battle” with it, also a work in progress…

        Liked by 1 person

  4. IAmMe says:

    As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and incest I understand how you are feeling.

    Everything you said and asked is not wrong. The truth is, I find it inspiring that you can voice your thoughts.

    It is difficult to stay positive and I think is something that will become easier through time.

    In my opinio, there is no right or wrong in how to cope. Avoidance, crying, or talking about it. You have to find what best suits you. Heck, maybe all three of them do. I think what makes it wrong is if you apply a negative action. For example, to avoid you drink or do drugs. But just because you are avoiding doesn’t necessarily mean that it is wrong, does that make sense?

    There will be times where some days are better than other. The sunshine that you speak of will overwhelm you with beauty and warmth and there will be other days that that same sunshine will feel like poison, but its okay. The best thing to do is give yourself mental, physical, and emotional encouragement. It ALL starts with you; grabbing that piece of courage and happiness and letting that guide you through dark days and times. Why? Because you are worth it. Because you are capable. Because you are beautiful. Because you have the right to yourself to do so. You see?

    Everyday is different. Everyday you will find a new way or the same way to overcome struggle. Everyday that you overcome is an addition to your jar of courage.

    Do not give up, is my advice, because as common as this may sound, you are not alone and everyday gets better. The healing process is just that…a process.

    You are strong.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much for stopping by and for sharing your thoughts. It is helpful and I value your response. Giving myself encouragement is something I must learn to do. Take care, Serena

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      1. IAmMe says:

        I agree. The same goes with giving yourself positivity. It something that you must learn to do. I love your blogs, because you always speak your mind and emotions. As strange as this may sound, everytime I hear your voice I am overwhelmed with tranquility.

        Keep pushing forward hun!

        Like

  5. La Quemada says:

    Hi Serena, as you know from my recent posts, I haven’t found much peace from distraction or blocking it out. I mean, of course that can work for an afternoon or so. I think for me the most helpful approach is accepting the feeling (maybe letting it some and sit on my park bench).

    You might feel afraid that it will take you over, at least that’s a fear I often have. My therapist’s advice is “time and space limits.” By this she means set a timer for 10 minutes or half an hour or some time of your choosing, and say, “Okay, Grief, this is all about you. What do you want to tell me? What do you need? How can I help you?” When the timer goes off, you (as Serena, your wisest, grounded self) can decide if you want to add another 10 minutes or not. But when you are done, you say, “Thank you, Grief, for sharing with me today. I will take your needs into consideration. Now I need to take care of other parts of my life, but I will come back to you.” E, my therapist, says that our inner world has no concept of time, so Grief can wait until you are ready to go back to her again, as long as you really do go back.

    When E says “time and space limits” she also suggests identifying a specific place for this work, like sitting on top of a special quilt or something. Then you can associate the quilt with time for the internal work, and when you are not there, Grief (or Anxiety or Shame, etc.) needs to wait for you. I can see how this might help, but I don’t tend to do this part.

    If you are lucky, Grief will be able to do more, in time, than speak up about her pain for that beautiful 11-year-old. She might be able to tell you what could soothe her. A walk among those daffodils? A cup of tea with a dear friend? A funny movie? I don’t know. And she might not know right away either. But if you keep going back, she might figure it out.

    Yes, I admit, this is all very up in the air and fantastical. Yet for me, it’s far more helpful than appealing to the logical side of my brain. It’s brought me more comfort than anything else I’ve tried. I don’t know if it could work for you, too, but I offer it to you as a possibility.

    P.S. You have a lovely voice, by the way.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I will definitiely try talking to all these voices rather than battling with them. All the responses I’m receiving speak to me of encouragement, kindness and courage. I will learn from your words. Thank you, La Quemada!

      Like

  6. Bonsai says:

    Also, one more thing. My last poem rather expresses some of what you feel. It describes the hazy dawn and also the halting signs of the world as we make our way to our “day jobs” which keep us occupied and sane for a time. But inside our souls as we sit inside the world, we are terribly sad and struggle to put on the good face for the day. Sometimes it seems good that we have duty and responsibilities to occupy; but we know that is just rote and not our real salvation.

    Like

  7. Bonsai says:

    Hi! I understand what you are saying. As the mother of a survivor, the co-dependent parent of an abuser, I feel similar. How can we feel the beauty when so much has been wronged? Thinking about my daughter kills me. It kills her.

    For me, while I have some security in my husband, a good man, a good job etc., it has been God that carries me through as he is above man and wants us to be better and a peace. This is the remedy I believe. My daughter is not a believer but I pray for her to find His comfort.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Indeed there is power and comfort in faith. I believe too that I would not have earned the title “Survivor” without the Lord’s goodness. I’ll check out your last poem too.

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