I’ve lost my voice

Loss and grief. Loss and anger. Loss, plain and not so simple.

I haven’t written for a long time because I lost my voice. I realise now that I was coming up to the first anniversary of my mother’s death; and of the death of my dog Tikka. My mother caused me so much pain and I felt no love from her. She condoned the sexual abuse that her husband perpetrated (I cannot call him “my father”)  I realise now how clever I am at ignoring the signs that tell me I’m on a downward spiral.  I realise now, that when I lost my voice and was quite literally unable to utter a word on my blog, I was actually becoming quite unwell.

Dear readers, thank you for sticking around and reading this. I need you all so much. I’ve decided for a while just to write, rather than record my feelings. It just feels right to do this now.

So what does it mean to lose my voice?

It means that I’m a little girl again, hiding biscuits in my bed for comfort. Swallowing rubber bands to make myself sick. Having sleepless nights and dreaming of boiled babies and birds trapped under netting. It means that there’s so much I need to say but cannot say.

I cannot say “I’m hurting” because I’ll be told “Don’t be silly”.

Somewhere deep within me I feel a whisper of  love, of warmth and comfort. But I know it’s not for me. So I cannot say “Please, love me” because I’m afraid of what I’ll get

I cannot say “I love you” because I don’t know what it means

I cannot say “Please, help me” because I know that no one will come.

And now, today?

I found a little voice last week. I was preparing food in the kitchen and, seemingly from nowhere, I dared to believe that I am loved. Just for a moment I believed. And the feeling was shockingly sweet.

Tell me

Have you ever lost your voice? Have you regained your voice? Do you feel loved by anyone?

21 Comments Add yours

  1. beavoicefororphans says:

    My heart goes out to you and I’m praying the nightmares stop… It is good you are being a voice not only for yourself but others who have experienced abuse… May you continue to receive help and healing along the way…
    https://suicidenotmyheart.wordpress.com/dont-give-up/

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    1. Thank you. My husband always says “there’s no such thing as a wasted prayer”. God bless you and keep you safe.

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  2. Thank you for sharing your story of surviving incest.

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    1. And thank you for taking the time to hear it, Kit.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh Serena. You are a strong force and becoming silent does not mean to me that you lost your lost voice but that it is percolating many things at once. So many have missed your strength but have not forgotten you… like me…
    The grieving process is hard and I am sorry for the pain that causes. Thinking of you…

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    1. Thank you Patricia. That’s a useful way to see it: voice is not lost but indeed it was percolating away. And now I’m able to get it all out. xx

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      1. I didn’t mean to dismiss that feeling of losing one’s voice and could have chosen better words. (Like how good it is to hear from you again…!)

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  4. Laura says:

    So happy to see you writing again Serena. I’m sorry you’ve been in such a dark place. I understand how stifling that silence can feel. And I think that writing has a different energy to spoken word. It’s more permanent somehow. It feels different. Yes, it’s censored or edited, but it also has a tangible quality to it. I hope you feel some benefit. Laura x

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    1. Thank you Laura. It’s so nice to be back and validated. And yes, I’m going to try writing for a while instead of “talking”. I need to be more flexible (less rigid?) in my thinking …. ho hum x

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Thank you for your response, dangerousvoyager. I’m pleased you’ve reconnected with some friends. I hope that you will always remember that change can happen. From your post it seems that you’re already changing-for example boundaries. And, as we change, our view of other people changes too. Then surprising things do happen! Take care and thank you for stopping by.

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  6. owningitlog says:

    I am so happy you found your voice. It would be great of growing was a straight hill upwards, but it’s not. Many times it’s jagged, mostly up, but some plunges. You are moving in the right direction. One day, I hope you will know how to say “I love you Serena” and feel all that it means.
    -Bri

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, indeed the straight line would be great. But then, maybe we wouldn’t learn so many valuable lessons on the way. Clearly I’m a glass half full gal today!

      Liked by 1 person

  7. bethanyk says:

    I am so glad, happy, overjoyed, just to see you have written words here and I can see your face. That you had a sweet moment where you felt your voice.
    I’ve lost my voice. I’ve only regained it by my therapist helping me with exercises. She will have me imagine bear or a hawk using their voice and then have me picture them roaring out of my mouth and opening my throat. She will have me feel my spine and feel its strength as I let the energy move up and out of my mouth. I get silenced easily. I have to FIGHT to find my voice. Some days, even though I know ofcourse I am loved, I still feel alone. My emotions alienate me and I spiral. Just know you are not alone. You are loved by me and you are cherished.

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    1. You are, as ever, a source of such comfort Bethanyk. I will try that exercise.. especially on those mornings when I have had a recurrent nightmare: it’s of my mouth belng like chewing gum and I’m choking on pieces and unable to speak. And i’m pulling, pulling the pieces from, my mouth and the more there is … the more there is. Yuk. So in place of the chewing gum I could put a hawk. I like that!

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      1. bethanyk says:

        That hawk could break through all of that and squawk right through that gum.
        I would just hate to wake up to that dream. Those are the kinds of dreams that leave that frustrating residue. I also put sticky notes on my mirrors. ” you are beautiful. You are strong. You are 45 years old. You have boundaries. You have a voice” i will repeat it first thing in the morning and everytime I see the sign. I have another one that says i am a warrior. I plan to just do it until i believe it!
        I’m so sorry for the nightmares. I wish i could make them go away for you. It’s bad enough to have flashbacks during the day but if i have nightmares it like ughhhh can i ever get away from this!

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  8. Nan Mykel says:

    You’re lucky to have “a few people in your immediate family” who truly love you. Be thankful and humble. Many, many do not. Don’t take them for granted!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. What makes you suggest I take them for granted? I am deeply grateful for their love. But without meaning any disrespect to you I find your comment quite hurtful, as it suggests that I am not entitled to feel a sense of loss in not having the love I really want – of my parents, or a partner – simply because I have *some* love. I don’t think that is a helpful or compassionate approach.

      Liked by 1 person

    2. bethanyk says:

      The focus is on Serena…

      Like

    3. Yes. I have my husband who is my only family who does love me. It’s just that, Nan, it’s hard to tell at times and to feel that love.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Nan Mykel says:

    My retarded daughter loves me.

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  10. I lost my ability to speak out about being bullied in a particular group when the result of speaking out was having my experience denied or minimised (even though other people had witnessed most of it), being blamed, being punished for expressing my feelings, being ostracised for criticising the dynamics of the group, and having everyone ‘make allowances’ for the bully because of his ‘hard life’, and yet knowing that if I revealed my own history of mental illness and sexual abuse/assault I would not be given similar consideration but it would instead be additional ammunition against me. In the end I just stopped speaking of it, and stopped telling people how I felt. This hard lesson means that I am unlikely to ever ‘tell’ about the sexual abuse to people in my life who know the abusers, because I know only too well how likely it is that they will disbelieve, criticise and shun me for upsetting their view of their world.

    I recently reached out to some friends I had dropped because of their not taking my side in the bullying (full story is in a recent post https://dangerousvoyage.wordpress.com/2017/07/12/taking-a-risk-and-reconnecting-with-friends/), because circumstances had changed and I felt as if they would be more ready to listen and support me now, and despite being let down by them in the past, I missed them. I told them my story and we have reconnected. It is a marvellous feeling. But as for truly being loved – aside from a few people in my immediate family, I think I’m a long way from that.

    Liked by 2 people

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